K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
