I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
