He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
