Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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