she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
