I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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