did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
