i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
