if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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