I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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