Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
