i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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