she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
