We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
