I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
