I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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