I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
