I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
