I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
