i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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