the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
