is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
