I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
