i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
