sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We left the knife in your bed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
