and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
