Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
