So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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