I heard we made out
You can't special order awesome
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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