I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
