i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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