then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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