Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
