my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
