My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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