My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
