Just fell off a train. Bad.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
