is your mom at the bar?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i now understand why vodka
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
