oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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