a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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