Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
