I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
