Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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