You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
