dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
