he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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