we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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