you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
