Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
