Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
