The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
