I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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