i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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