can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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