We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
