Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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