Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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