I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
