I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
sarcasm needs its own font
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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