it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
