Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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