I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
