I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
