Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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