I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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