My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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